This Month...

I'm going to be more determined, consistent, and put forth more effort in my personal goals along with my goals as a wife and mother.
It's only April 6th and I haven't been so consistent, nor have I had much determination...and the effort seems to be lacking. But there are still 24 days left in the month, right?!

Today, despite my desire to be lazy and sit around, me and the kids are going out to enjoy this beautiful day. Effort... check!

Just Not Worth It

A couple of days ago, I started off my day great. I woke up at 6:15 (not by choice, mind you) and read my scriptures. After breakfast and whatnot, I put on a yoga video that I rented from the library. I've only tried yoga probably twice in my life, so I thought I'd give it another try. (It was great, relaxing, and I can see why people love it... but it's just not for me). I couldn't help but think while doing the Down Dog how I never exercise and I should maybe try it out. After all, we have a community center nearby with a day care where I could drop the kids off and go exercise for a bit. I'm pretty proud of myself that I actually got the kids loaded up and went! Very much out of the norm for me to go exercise. Probably the best part of going to the gym was dropping off my kids for an hour and running while watching the news with no distractions. Is that bad? (I'm gonna say no, because believe me... after picking them up I had to work through some guilt issues for doing that.)
We got home and it was nap time... my favorite time of day! It's always a mission of mine to get the kids to take naps at the same time so I can get a little shut eye myself. I love naps... and I mean LOVE them! And today I was going to take one! My legs felt like noodles and I was going to crash. But of course, Lucy just refused to take a nap. I did everything in my power to get her to sleep. I even put on Winnie the Pooh hoping that she would at least just relax, giving me a good 30 min nap. But no... oh no. She couldn't resist poking at my face or hopping around on the bed. I was half asleep and getting so angry at her. I hated it! And I didn't understand how could I feel so guilty for taking time for myself in going to the gym, yet here I was so angry that I wasn't getting the nap that I wanted. I realized that this has been a pattern of mine. When I make getting a nap so important, and things don't work the way that they were perfectly planned, I turn into some mean, nasty woman. It's not fair to Lucy and Todd. It's not fair that I get a little resentful towards them, all because I didn't get my dumb nap. It's just not worth it.
So yesterday, even though I was once again up at the crack of dawn, I decided to forget the nap all together. I was a walking zombie by the time 6 rolled around, but what a difference it made in my attitude towards my kids for the rest of the day.
Sure enough Lucy didn't take a nap that day, so we all went to bed really early. Thank goodness!

I Love This

I can't begin to tell you how much I love this picture. It's my current favorite. When I first saw it uploaded to my computer, I layered my hands on my heart and just exhaled a breath full of immense love that was almost painful! I love this picture for a number of reasons. First, I love the composition... the rule of 3rds, the setting in which Spring has sprung, I love the movement captured, and I love how Alex and Lucy mimic each other in their body stance. But mostly I love the utter joy and wonderment captured in Lucy as she is chasing after something so new and exciting. And I love that her dad is the one to experience this with her. 

A close up of Lucy (I'm so sad that my camera isn't good enough to have caught her expression clearly.) 

It's pictures like this - stopping time in that brief moment - that make me love photography so much. And now I get to keep this moment for the rest of my life. I am so lucky. 

Daffodils

I came across this daffodil patch one day and of course I had to go back and take some Easter pictures of the kids in it! I'm so glad I didn't wait to take them because a week after taking the pictures, I drove by it again and they were all dead! :(

I've never seen a daffodil patch... except for in the movie Big Fish. :) I've always thought it would be so romantic to see a little field of daffodils. So you can only imagine how giddy I was when I came across this one. Lucy was pretty giddy too. 

Happy Spring!

Today

I was woken up by Todd this morning around 6:45. I got him back to sleep, tucked him in and headed back to my bed. But as tired as I was, I couldn't help but notice the silence, accompanied by the chorus of birds greeting another beautiful day. I had a choice to make... do I go hop back in bed and try to get some more sleep (probably only an extra 45 min), or do I stay awake and enjoy this solitude, which is very rare. I always take the sleep option when given the choice. But this morning, I chose option B.
I put on some clothes and plopped on the couch, laying with my head on the arm rest and facing the floor to ceiling window. What do I do now? I'm up with no one to feed, no diapers to change, no one to entertain. I'm just laying on the couch, ankles crossed, and I'm watching the partly cloudy, pastel sky grow more bright each second as the sun is slowly rising. I'm doing nothing and I don't have to do anything! (this is great!) It's just me and my thoughts and the two red cardinals outside, bouncing from branch to branch, most likely hunting for their morning meal.
Just me and my thoughts, huh? What do I do with all of these thoughts? I'm not very good at channeling my thoughts. They are usually quite scattered and are often reflective. As great as reflecting can be most times, I tend to relive some of those thoughts and experiences... that's quite a difference.
It's a new day. A clean slate. A blank canvas.
Several days ago, I had another emotionally dumpy day. Yesterday was amazing, fun, happy, and silly. But today... hmmm..... what will today bring for me?


I think today will be a good day.

Dad's Visit

My dad came and stayed with us for a night. He's a pilot and he rearranged his schedule to have a lay-over in Kansas City. We were so excited to have him come and to be our first visitor! Lucy could not wait to see him! When I brought my dad home from the airport, it was 10:30pm and Lucy came running out of her room. She couldn't sleep knowing that Papa was coming! We let her stay up for a little bit and play. The next morning, we went to IHOP. We all got some eggs, bacon, and delicious blueberry pancakes. Todd snacked on a slice of lemon and toast and Lucy had a happy face pancake.

(Lucy likes to wear pink hats at 11pm at night) :)

After breakfast we went to Penguin Park. At the park, there is a giant kangaroo, elephant, giraffe, and of course a giant penguin. Lucy ran around like she owned the place, excited to show Papa all of the fun things. 

Todd giving the balancing beam a try.

We then tried flying a kite. It wasn't as windy as it usually is, but we gave it a shot. We got the kite to stay up for a little bit, but not too long. Lucy LOVED it! This was her first time flying a kite. We'll try it again another day when there is a little more wind.

After the park, we took my dad downtown and showed him where Alex goes to school and then we went to the zoo (no surprise there) for about an hour before we had to take him back to the airport. We were bummed that he was only here for a total of about 15 hours, but we are hoping that he'll be able to get more trips on his schedule that would have him come through Kansas City often!

Trying to Figure it Out

Since moving to Kansas City, I seem to have gotten lost with a sense of who I am. Back in Utah I had my routine, I knew where everything was, and I had lots of friends. With Alex now gone most of the day at school, I'm here by myself with two kids not knowing what to do or where to take them. I am having to relearn what makes me happy. For the last four years, Alex has been my happiness. I know I shouldn't depend on him to make me happy... but life is so much brighter, fun, and exciting when he's around. I feel like I know who I am when I am with him. But now that he's not really around...who am I? Really?
It seems like every day for the last two months has been a day of "trying to figure things out". Sure, I've had a couple of break downs and I've had those days where I just don't want to do anything because I am border line depressed. But for the most part, I just want to create something. I don't know what... but something! I know that when I create something it makes me happy. I don't know how many times I've changed my kitchen decor (okay only like 3 times), or how many times I've started to draw or paint only to scratch the whole idea or how many times I've had a great thought that I never follow through with. I'm in the process of figuring out how to let my creative soul free... It's just knocking and knocking and doesn't know how to get out! And I'm sure this learning process will be on-going for the rest of my life. But why not start now? I'm learning that in order to reach what I think is my potential, I have to take that first step. I have to take risks and even let myself fail in order to find myself.
I have a perfectionist "all-or-nothing" mentality... and I'm realizing more and more that in order to grow and to eventually reach my desired goal or outcome, I need to take one step at a time. I've been told this my whole life, yet only now is it beginning to really sink in.