Perhaps a New Project...

Last night, everyone went to bed early. It was 8 o'clock, the house was dark and quiet, all except for the hum of the ceiling fan and the light that illuminated the pages of my precious journal. I snuggled up to the arm of the couch, using it to prop up my journal as I wrote. Though the air was quiet, my mind was roaring with thoughts as I quickly jotted them down. There is something about handwriting in my journal that is so therapeutic for me. I love it more than I can say.
I closed my journal, wondering what next I was going to do. The night is young, my family is tucked in bed, and I've got this very rare time all to myself. Rather than aimlessly search for something to watch online, I decided to aimlessly walk around Barnes and Noble, searching for something to catch my eye. I found myself in the "Self Help" section looking at the book The Happiness Project. I've been wanting to read this book for a long while now, and I am currently number 40 on the waiting list at the library to read it. I sat down to read it and eventually just bought it. I'm only about 25 pages into it so far, but already it has been very enlightening to me. I am in a current state of just surviving rather than thriving. I'm a pretty happy person, but I know I could be happier. There are things in my day to day life that I know I need to change... little things that I think know will make a big difference. I'm the only one holding myself back from reaching my full potential of happiness. I know that we were put on this earth to experience joy and happiness, yet there are so many demands and distractions that get in our way of truly experiencing these euphoric feelings.

I'm anxious to keep reading...I think by the end of this book, I might just start thinking about doing my own happiness project.

Lately...

Lately, I just haven't felt like blogging, or doing anything for that matter. I've gotten in the same old rut, doing the same old things. I don't feel very inspired lately, nor do I feel like really taking any pictures. And it doesn't help that it's so dang hot here in AZ that all I'm left to do with my kids is stay inside the house, or hang out at the mall. (We're going a little crazy!)

In and amongst the demands of motherhood, I've lost a sense of who I am... an identity crisis, if you will. Something I've been struggling with for a little while now. I can hardly do something that I want to do without little hands grabbing away, or a child laying across my lap, or demanding for my attention. The motivation to do fun and spontaneous things has flown out the window.

I'm wanting to break out of this currently dull way of life, but am struggling to find a way how. In an effort to mix things up a bit, I packed up the kids and we took off to California last week for a few days. Alex was able to get a lot of good studying in for his test with no loud/crying distractions. Normally, the drive is only about 6 hours... but driving (a little slower) by myself, while trying to take care of kids, and stopping frequently for bathroom breaks and food, it took me about 8 hours to get there. Toooo long and exhausting by myself... I'm thinking that I won't be doing that very often.

We had a wonderful, relaxing time visiting mine and Alex's parents. My mom took me and the kids to Disneyland (more to come on that!), went shopping, and just enjoyed being together.
The kids and I went to my mother-in-law's classroom at her school, and enjoyed some ice cream afterwards.
And our trip wouldn't have been complete without a little swimming as well. :)

But we were anxious to get back home and see Alex again. We missed him terribly.

Now that we're home again, it's back to the same old routine. If I could write a big giant post-it note to myself, I'd hang it over my fireplace and it would say "Do something worth while today. Find the energy, find the motivation, and make it happen".

...easier said than done! But here's to trying!

I'm So Embarrassed

As mortifying and humiliating as it can be in a moment of embarrassment, those feelings shortly turn into a comical outlook of what just happened and there's nothing left to do but laugh at the foolish thing you did.

I'm not quite there yet... I'm still pretty darn embarrassed.

A few months back, I was asked to donate a photography session for my church for an auction/fundraiser for the youth going to girl's camp and scout camp... Absolutely! I was happy to help. Just a few days ago, I got a call from the lady who bid on my service and we set up a date and time to meet so I could take pictures of her family, including a sweet new 3-week old baby girl. While talking on the phone, we brainstormed ideas of poses and locations, and the excitement in her voice was apparent.

"Alrighty! See you Friday at 5:30!"

Friday rolled around and at about 4pm I started getting my gear and props in order so that I could walk out the door, stress free, ready to make some magic for this little family. Camera, check. Battery charged, check. SD memory card....? What? Where was it? The only memory card that works for my camera is usually only ever in my camera or on my computer, and now it was gone. It couldn't have gone far! I searched and searched, tossing toys and clothes into the air seeing if it was hiding underneath, and an hour later I was still searching.
"Oh crud...." It was 5pm and I was supposed to be leaving soon to meet with the family. While still maintaining my composure and trying to mask my frustration, I called my client and told her the situation. I asked if she had an SD card that she could possibly bring to the photoshoot as a backup plan if I still couldn't find mine.

I got to her house, empty handed. But thankfully she had a card waiting for me to try. I was already so embarrassed that I came to the shoot so unprepared and asking for this favor. She pulls out a brand new card that hadn't been opened yet. Surely this would work! I told her I'll buy that card off of her, because I need a new one anyways.
But you guessed it... still no luck. What the fritz?!?! UGH!!
"Why don't you guys go ahead, and I'll meet you at the park. I'm going to run to Walmart and buy one really quick."

I zoomed over there as fast as I could, knowing that my clients were probably thinking what a total spoof I was and regretting every moment of bidding on my photography service. I ran to the back of the store to the electronics... it's sure not easy running in flip-flops. After speaking to several people and trying a couple of brand new memory cards in my camera, it still didn't work! After being in denial for a while, I finally consented to the fact that something was wrong with my camera.

I slowly started walking toward the exit of the store, took a deep breath, and called my patiently waiting, all dressed up, client. I tried to make light of the situation, apologizing profusely, and thanking her for understanding. I promised her that once I got things working again, I'd make all of this hassle worth it for her and her family.

Holding back tears, I called Alex who was at the park with the kids.
"I'm so embarrassed!!!" ... and the flood gates were opened. Oh well... what's there to do. Just fix my camera and try again, I guess.



Well, that was therapeutic.... maybe I'll be able to laugh here pretty soon.

Today

I was woken up by Todd this morning around 6:45. I got him back to sleep, tucked him in and headed back to my bed. But as tired as I was, I couldn't help but notice the silence, accompanied by the chorus of birds greeting another beautiful day. I had a choice to make... do I go hop back in bed and try to get some more sleep (probably only an extra 45 min), or do I stay awake and enjoy this solitude, which is very rare. I always take the sleep option when given the choice. But this morning, I chose option B.
I put on some clothes and plopped on the couch, laying with my head on the arm rest and facing the floor to ceiling window. What do I do now? I'm up with no one to feed, no diapers to change, no one to entertain. I'm just laying on the couch, ankles crossed, and I'm watching the partly cloudy, pastel sky grow more bright each second as the sun is slowly rising. I'm doing nothing and I don't have to do anything! (this is great!) It's just me and my thoughts and the two red cardinals outside, bouncing from branch to branch, most likely hunting for their morning meal.
Just me and my thoughts, huh? What do I do with all of these thoughts? I'm not very good at channeling my thoughts. They are usually quite scattered and are often reflective. As great as reflecting can be most times, I tend to relive some of those thoughts and experiences... that's quite a difference.
It's a new day. A clean slate. A blank canvas.
Several days ago, I had another emotionally dumpy day. Yesterday was amazing, fun, happy, and silly. But today... hmmm..... what will today bring for me?


I think today will be a good day.

Trying to Figure it Out

Since moving to Kansas City, I seem to have gotten lost with a sense of who I am. Back in Utah I had my routine, I knew where everything was, and I had lots of friends. With Alex now gone most of the day at school, I'm here by myself with two kids not knowing what to do or where to take them. I am having to relearn what makes me happy. For the last four years, Alex has been my happiness. I know I shouldn't depend on him to make me happy... but life is so much brighter, fun, and exciting when he's around. I feel like I know who I am when I am with him. But now that he's not really around...who am I? Really?
It seems like every day for the last two months has been a day of "trying to figure things out". Sure, I've had a couple of break downs and I've had those days where I just don't want to do anything because I am border line depressed. But for the most part, I just want to create something. I don't know what... but something! I know that when I create something it makes me happy. I don't know how many times I've changed my kitchen decor (okay only like 3 times), or how many times I've started to draw or paint only to scratch the whole idea or how many times I've had a great thought that I never follow through with. I'm in the process of figuring out how to let my creative soul free... It's just knocking and knocking and doesn't know how to get out! And I'm sure this learning process will be on-going for the rest of my life. But why not start now? I'm learning that in order to reach what I think is my potential, I have to take that first step. I have to take risks and even let myself fail in order to find myself.
I have a perfectionist "all-or-nothing" mentality... and I'm realizing more and more that in order to grow and to eventually reach my desired goal or outcome, I need to take one step at a time. I've been told this my whole life, yet only now is it beginning to really sink in.

Flowers, For Me?

I always think of high school in two categories: 1) my best friend, Hannah, and all of our ridiculous adventures together - most of them happening at the lunch table with Steven, and 2) crushing on Alex all four years.

Oh goodness.... did I ever crush on him bad! Any interaction with him made my stomach swirl and I would replay that brief moment in my head over and over - just wanting to relive it once more. There were bouts of jealousy when he was around other girls, along with feelings of "why not me?"... but I just kept on crushing on him and didn't let it bother me (too much). 

Since my best friend was Alex's sister, we all hung out together often. I will never forget this one time when we were driving around the mall together. Alex was driving, Hannah was in the front seat and I was in the back. (Maybe Steven was there too... but I can't remember). We came to a stop light and as if it was a knee-jerk reaction, Alex opened his door, reached for a flower, picked it and then handed it to me. The light turned green and he just started driving again. Wow... that was suave! On the outside, I was playing it cool. I smiled and gratefully accepted the little flower. But on the inside!! Oh man! My stomach dropped to my feet and my jaw was down to my chest! Who just does that?! It might as well have been a scene from a chick flick. 

It was really no effort on Alex's part, but it meant the world to me! I mean, here I am almost nine years later still swooning over that moment. 

Little did I know that nearly nine years later I would be calling that car mine and Alex would be bringing me home bouquets of flowers!  What a dream!