We Build Up

What was I doing?! This isn’t me! Somewhere in my little fourth grade mind I decided that I wanted to be cool. I wanted to show Billy who was boss and I wanted to show others too. And for those 48 hours I was a bully… a real life Mean Girl. I called Billy names, I teased him, I splashed water on him, and I made sure that he was miserable. This time at recess, I found myself physically bullying him. My two girlfriends behind me laughed as they thought what I was doing was funny.

I shoved him, “Come on, Billy!” I shoved him again “COME ON! Aren’t you going to say something?”

I waited for an answer. My hands were on my waist, hip popped out, and my weight resting on my back leg. I waited for the little pipsqueak to make his move. What, in my power, was I able to provoke from this little nobody?

I waited.

And the next few seconds changed my entire life. They have played on repeat in my mind over and over again since.

Time had stopped. The breeze gently kissed the leaves of the trees as it passed by. The grass was still a little damp from the morning dew. The sounds of my classmates playing nearby blended in with the background. All I could hear was the snickering of my two girlfriends behind me and the loud snickering inside myself as I hovered over him, glaring.

But Billy didn’t say a word, the look on his terrified face said it all. He was on the ground, inching backwards away from me. He was on the verge of crying and screaming all at the same time. He was ready to burst! 

I looked at his eyes. Those eyes! Those eyes are seared into my soul. They said it all.

Why was I doing this? To what end? I realized then and there that Billy was a person too. He had a home. Probably a dog as well. I’m sure he liked TV and pizza was most likely his favorite food. He had people who loved him very much. He had a mother who could see the beautiful qualities in him. They were there. Surely I could see them too if I looked hard enough.

I just stared back at him, my hands falling to my sides, my weight leveled between my feet. My glare softened along with my heart. I was ashamed. I turned and just walked away. Not only from the situation, but from ever doing such a thing again. I had been taught my whole life that the Savior loves each and every one of us unconditionally. I had been taught that as a child of God, I should emulate my Savior’s love and extend a loving hand to those around me. What I had been doing those two days was anything but.

Ever since, I have lived my life trying to find at least one good thing in people. I have fought every urge to notice the bad, pushing those negative thoughts aside and looking for a positive. Even if it started with “Her hair looks nice” or “I like her shoes”, that was a starting point.

Now here I am, three kids later, and trying to teach them and instill in their little hearts and minds principles of love, kindness, sharing, and thoughtfulness. They are never too young to learn such things (and we are never too old!). But if I could ever teach my children one thing, just one thing, it would be that we build up. We build each other up in this family, we build up those around us, and we build up ourselves.

I have this picture hanging in my home. It is a picture of the Salt Lake Temple in 1892, the day that the capstone was laid. It’s telling to me that even though the capstone is being put in place, scaffolding still adorned the spires of the building. We are constantly building, we never stop, and the only way to build is up. It's impossible to build down. You can only tear down. 

Alex and I are building a family, and we are trying to build our family up unto the Lord. Building is a messy process. But it's a messy process that involves many contributors. There are tools, workers, scaffolding, a contractor, and a blue print. They all come together to make something beautiful.

As a young mother, it’s difficult to keep the floor clear of toys or the table clean of crumbs. The art supplies are always out with crayons strewn all over, and the couch is filthy from little dirty feet jumping on it. But those marks on the wall and the dirty couch and the messy table all serve as reminders to me that we are building. I don’t need to be so hard on myself all the time if I understand what comes along with building something. Though, that doesn't give me an excuse to let things go and to live in a mess, rather it helps me to be less critical of myself and my home. 

When you come to visit, don't mind the construction zone, we're building a family!

As the general contractors of this family, Alex and I have a duty to teach our children how to build, what tools to use, and how to work together. We can teach them how to build and lift each other up, to encourage, cheer on, support, and love those around them. We can build up emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually through words as well as action.

No matter what or who we are building, we build up. And our job of building is never completed. 

{mid-week musings} Don't You Know What FUN Is?

“Nooo

            o

               o

                 ho

                   ho

                     ho”

My knees nearly buckled to the floor. I was ready to cry. And laugh. And scream. All at once.

“No! No! No!” were the only words that seemed available at the moment.

“But Mooooom!”Lucy says, “We’re having fun! Don’t you know what fun is?”

Do I know wha… Do I know what fun is?! Ha! I was about to explode!

It was bedtime. The time of day that can’t come soon enough and that can wait forever. The baths, the brushing teeth, the diaper changes, the books, the songs, the begged for nightly drink - it’s all such a process that I wish could happen all on its own. Just once I beg you! There are some days where I am on the ball, feeling like an awesome mom, and bedtime seems to be sprinkled with magic and goes so smoothly.

Yeeeah...tonight was not that night.

I ended up just putting on a movie for Lucy and Todd in my room, while I laid on the floor in the family room with Annie, pushing toys and other things out of the way to make room for me. I wasn’t ready to face the bedtime beast. I wasn’t ready to face anything for that matter. No, Donald Duck! Stop looking at me! I don’t want to get up and put you away! Same with you, Buzz! Nor do I have the energy to get my kids to pick you up!

I found myself laying there for about 25 minutes, looking at Pinterest for the hundredth time, texting a friend, and just gearing myself up to get these kids to bed. I finally got up and moseyed on over to the bedroom. Those kids have been so good and so quiet that I’d hate to turn off their movie right now.

I walked through the doorway, and stopped right in my tracks...

Oh the horror! My once white bed sheets were now a colorful array of rainbow colors. The TV had been drawn all over the screen and the dresser had marks to match. The door was also a victim and there was a racing pinstripe all the way down the hall at about a toddler height. And I’m sure you already figured that both kids were completely covered in marker, both holding pieces of the evidence. And even better! They spilled a bottle of bubbles all over the floor to “skate” in!

“But Mooooom! We’re having fun! Don’t you know what fun is?”

Those little stinks! What was already going to be a mountain to conquer as it was, bedtime just got a million times more complicated. Dang it! I guess that’s what I get for prolonging the inevitable. 

{mid-week musings} Lucy's Prayer

It was eleven o’clock and Lucy was still not in bed. We have been going nonstop for the last couple of days during the Geyer family reunion. Earlier in the evening, Lucy’s little body finally couldn't keep up and so she fell asleep for a hearty two hour nap at 5 pm. Any mother knows the consequences of such a late nap.  At 10:30 pm, I figured I needed to start getting her upstairs. But it was so hard for me to leave the guitar/piano singing session with some of the adults. Lucy, too, was having some guilty fun. It’s like she knew that all the other cousins were sound asleep in their beds and that she figured out how to work the system. Maybe she thought that her infectious smile, impressive dance moves, and added cuteness were what bought her the extra time with the adults.

Yea, she figured it out.

I finally pried her away and trudged up the stairs with Lucy in tow. I did the 2-minute version of the bedtime routine. Todd was already fast asleep, and so Lucy crawled in bed next to him. I told her a brief story followed by my goodnight kisses.

But then she started whining for her brown bear. “Where’s my brown bear?! I need my brown bear!” I looked around the dark room, using the faint glow of the nightlight to try and find this coveted brown bear.

I found a cow.

“Here you go!” I said hastily. “You can sleep with this tonight” I shoved it in her arms and tried to make a run for it.

Nothing gets past Lucy. “Umm…how ‘bout my brown bear?”

I stopped in my tracks. Okaaay, okay. A couple extra seconds could hurt. I looked around some more. Nothing. I crawled up on to the bed to look down the crevice between the wall and bed. But Todd was right there, making it difficult. Now I was on a mission - I was going to find this brown bear! I reached down, feeling along the wall, Todd’s deep heavy breaths practically in my face. 

Nothing. 

That mission ended quickly. 

I stood up on the bed, preparing the “I’m sorry, Honey, but…” speech. As I turned around to get off of the bed, there was Lucy, down on her knees, fingers clasped together, with elbows resting on the bed. I heard faint mumbles coming from her direction. “Shoot!” I thought as I raced next to her side. Why didn't I think of that? Aren't I supposed to be the one teaching her about praying when we need help?! I quickly joined her, scooting as close as I could to hear every word uttered.

“Oh please, Jesus. I really want my brown bear. Oh please! Oh pleeeease! Can you find my brown bear? It’s my favorite and I really really need it to sleep. Please Jesus. Just do it. Amen.”

Oh alright! Now I really had to find this bear! How could I let her down after a prayer like that. 

Just do it. Thanks Nike.

I got my handy flashlight phone and quietly searched the game room among the sleeping cousins.

Ha! Found it!

I hurried upstairs and proudly gave it to Lucy, anticipating the contentment to cross her face

“Umm…it’s a dog” 

She might as well have been thirteen said “Duh, mom!”

It was a brown cow and brown dog to snuggle that night. Her prayer was answered in the morning, thanks to Grandma who found it.

{mid-week musings} This Close!!

There I was, intently listening in church with Lucy coloring by my side. Alex was quarantined at home with the other two sick kids. It was a peaceful hour in which I felt uplifted and could actually listen rather than throwing toys, crayons, and Cheerios at the faces of my kids to keep them quiet. About half way through the meeting, I get this text (Alex is grey, I’m blue):

You see, we were this close to naming Anna “Winnie”… thiiiiiis close! Oh! I love that name! What started out as a “we-could-never-name-our-kid-that” name, slowly turned into a possibility when we found out we were having a girl. Not only does it sound beautiful, but it means “holy peacemaking gently friend”.

Just beautiful.

We struggled and struggled for months to find a name for Annie. She must have tried on at least ten different names for several weeks at time, but none of them stuck. Alex would love one name, but I wasn't sure. Then I would like a different name that he somewhat detested.

I am a huge nerd when it comes to names. Alex has had to put up with me show after movie after show, reading through the credits and looking for interesting name combinations. I've been on the internet countless times looking up the meaning to a name. I read wacky articles about names. You know those “Top 100 Names” lists that go back for decades? Yea, I've gallivanted through those as well.

What can I say, names fascinate me. I am a huge believer  that babies are meant to have a certain name on this earth. When naming each of our kids, it’s like I would wait for that bam! lightning moment of knowing that this was our child’s name. With Lucy, it happened before I knew she was even a girl. With Todd, it happened around 34ish weeks. With Anna, it just wasn't happening. We had prayed to find the right name (I begged!) because this is so important to me and for my child’s entire life! At 37 weeks along, we had decided that her name was Winnie. We both loved it. But of course I was still hesitant. Not only because when we tried her name out on about a dozen people and getting reactions such as, “Oh, like Winnie the Pooh?” or “Oh! Like Winnie from the Wonder Years!”, but also because I just wasn't sure!

But, you know... I was okay with that.
I guess I didn't always have to have that this is it! type of discovery.

So, we moved forward with Winnie. And we were anxious to put a face with a name! But I still looked around at other names. One night, when we started to really doubt our naming choice, we sat down at the kitchen table, pulled out a book called “Heroines of the Restoration”, opened the index, and just started writing down names we liked. We knew we couldn’t go wrong with one of these beautiful, old fashioned names. Names such as Elizabeth, Sarah, Mary, Rachel, and Rebecca.

I went to bed, feeling defeated. Was I ever going to get this right?!

Early the next morning (like 4:30am… darn that pregnancy insomnia!), I sat down at the table and studied the list. I wrote out different first and middle name combinations, then crossed them out. 

I came to the name Anna and started doing the same. Anna Jo. Anna Paula. Anna Mae. Anna Dell. Anna Dell!! Ooohh! My heart was immediately full and my whole body was overcome with emotion. It was as the first time I felt I really knew my child and could truly feel her special spirit. It was like she was telling me that that was her name. The connection I now had with her was stronger than ever before. 

I couldn't wait to tell Alex! Of course he was nice about it because he didn't want to crush me. I basically told him nicely, but matter-of-factly, “I don’t care what you think. This is her name! I know it! And I LOVE it!”

And the loving, supporting husband that he is, he agreed.

We've contemplated even just calling Anna “Winnie” over the last few weeks. But no. No, no, no. Not if you would ask me a million times would I ever change her name. Because she is Anna. My dear sweet Annie. And her name fits her perfectly.

But there is something about the name Winnie that strikes my fancy. Perhaps there is a Winnie waiting to come to our family, maybe not. Whatever the case, Winnie has unexpectedly stolen my heart.   

Rock-A-Bye My Baby

"Come on Lucy!" I holler as I walk through the door to my bedroom."You're brother's already in bed... let's go!" Lucy slithers closer to her daddy, trying to avoid the situation at hand. We've already read books, sung a million songs, and even snuggled in bed. Yet there's always some other excuse prolonging the inevitable bedtime. "Come on. If you come right now, I'll rock you in the chair". Lucy's ears perk up, causing the rest of her body to do the same as a smirk of disbelief crosses her face. She hops out of the queen-sized bed and after a quick detour to the potty, we find ourselves navigating our way through the dark nursery to the rocking chair. I am secretly anticipating this rare-these-days little moment together. I just got through rocking Todd who is quick to snuggle up, laying his little blanket on my left shoulder ever so precise, followed by his cheek rubbing into the soft, fuzzy fur of his "ganket". Lucy, on the other hand, takes the rocking chair as more of a place to ask tons of questions. "Why is it so dark?" "What's that noise?" "What's that other noise?" "Where's my Lamby?"
After answering her questions through my shhhhoosh's, she slowly begins to concede to the fact that she's tired. She tries every which way possible to get comfortable. Her long, gangly legs no longer tuck in so nicely against her chest. There's hardly room for the two of us. She eventually finds herself sprawled diagonally across my body, her back against my stomach, bare legs dangling over mine, and her head and arms flopping over the arm rest. Whatever...I'll take it!
I can't help but think about rocking in this same rocking chair as a brand new mom, tears flooding my eyes at 2a.m. as I sing my new baby to sleep. I was a mother! A concept that was so hard to conceive, yet there I was, holding her. Mine. My own. (My Precious?)
I can't help but think of the times I've sat there, rocking a hardly coherent, feverish child, trying to cool that tiny body with a damp rag.
That rocking chair has always been my go-to when my legs can't seem to stand anymore, or when I have a hungry, nursing baby. Many, many hours spent there pondering what the future holds for my dear, sweet child. I'm sure the cushion is molded perfectly to my bum.

Now, I sit there with my growing four-year-old. The faint light from the hallway, gently illuminates the soft features of her face. She's wearing only a t-shirt and some panties. She clutches onto the Lamby Aunt Hannah gave her as a welcome to this world. The proportions now changed from a large Lamby next to a tiny baby, to a tiny Lamby tucked under the arms of a big girl.
I study her. Soaking in everything I can about this moment.

Because it's slipping away already.

There will come a time when she won't want to rock with me anymore. She'll just hurry off to bed to read her Judy Blume book before falling asleep. Her friends will be on the forefront of her mind. She'll be worried if that boy likes her or not. And if her outfit is cute enough.
I can just see her squirming to get away from me as I beg for just one tiny little kiss or snuggle accompanied by an "Aahh! MOOOMM!!"

But for now, I'm going to keep on rocking my baby. Smelling that fresh-out-of-the-tub hair and rubbing that little back. From the footie pajamas to the knotted pig tails. Forever embedded in the depths of my heart. Always to be my little girl.

Cinderella: On Five Years of Marriage

Ballroom dancing translates to dancing ridiculously weird in front of your kids to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song.

Those squeaky mice are really squeaky children who are equally amazing at destroying as mice are at making dresses.

That horse drawn carriage strangely looks like a black mini van with three car seats in the back and goldfish crushed into the floor.

Who stays up til midnight anymore?!

The only wish your heart makes is that you're dreaming you could stay fast asleep!! Kids jumping in your bed at the crack of dawn gets old real fast. 

The glass slipper fit then and it still fits now.

The castle is actually a quaint little house with a playground and sandbox in the backyard.  

Where's the Fairy Godmother when you really need her? The dishes are piled high, toys are strewn everywhere, and beds need to be made. Not to mention, it would be so nice to be magically whisked away again, just the two of us, to some awesome party...or a beach would be nice too!

But when the Prince still gently kisses your hand, looks deeply into your eyes, and manages to sneak in a dance or two, barefoot in the kitchen with little "mice" running circles around you both, you know that you have found your Happily Ever After.

So this is love and life truly is divine!

Happy 5th Anniversary, Alex! My handsome Prince Charming!

I wouldn't change any of it for the world!

You are the love of my life.

Anna's Birth Story

Never had I wanted to hold a baby so badly. To feel those ten little fingers wrap ever so gently around mine. To kiss those ten little toes. To smell that fresh little head of hair.
What started out as a surprise pregnancy turned into months and months of anxiously awaiting our sweet baby girl to arrive. Oh how I couldn't wait!! I sure as heck couldn't wait to have my own body back too! It's exhausting sharing your body with another person.

My original due date was April 14th, but the fact that I was already dilated to a 4 and 70% effaced two weeks before her due date, I knew she was coming soon.
Being my third baby, I really wanted to have my mom in the room with us when the baby was born. The original plan was to call my mom when I started going into labor and she would either fly out or drive the six hours to be there. It was Thursday the 4th and my mom had plans to go up to San Francisco the next day to take care of some family business. I told her that I really felt that if she went up to SF that she would miss the baby being born. So instead she flew into Tucson late Friday night. We had a ton of fun on Saturday going from place to place getting things in preparation for the baby. Dragging two kids along with us wasn't quite the fun part. :) So, after dinner, Alex watched the kids while my mom and I went out for a couple more hours. At about 8:30pm I started feeling mild contractions every ten minutes. My mom asked if I wanted to go home, and I insisted that we stay out and about. I wanted this baby to come!! We got home after 10pm and settled in for bed. My contractions had slowed down quite a bit. I was totally disappointed. At about 11:30, the contractions started picking back up again. Come 1am, the contractions were between 5 and 8 minutes apart. My doctor had told me to come in when they were 6 minutes apart. I shook Alex awake and told him we needed to go. Being dead asleep, he didn't quite process what I said and pulled the sheets up over his shoulders. I shook him harder and emphatically repeated that we needed to go to the hospital now. He jumped out of bed, I made sure that I had everything that I needed, and we headed out the door. It's funny how much more calm I was this third time around. Looking back on when I had Lucy, my pain tolerance was so low. I have definitely become a lot more tough over the last few years. What once would have felt like an 8 on a pain scale of 10, was now a 4.

I checked in, they checked me (I was at a 5 and 80%), and we checked out our new living quarters for the next 36 hours. That empty plastic bassinet was soon going to have a new life sleeping in it.
I got an epidural in at about 4am.
Now was the waiting game...
We turned down the lights and tried to get some sleep. Well, Alex slept just fine, but I couldn't sleep between the contractions and the fact that I was so itchy all over from the epidural! The itchiness was a first for me. So annoying!
My mom was at home with the kids awaiting my call for when she should have my friend come over to watch the kids so she could meet us at the hospital. The doctor came in and broke my water at about 6am. After breaking my water, everything was ready to go! I just had to wait to finish some antibiotics before I could start pushing. I called my mom and told her to come as soon as she could. She made it to the hospital at about 6:30am. Shortly thereafter, I started pushing. Alex was there to help coach me through and after a few pushes, the doctor had Alex put on some gloves so he could deliver the baby! Alex was right there, guiding the way for the baby.
 At 7:11 am on April 7th, Alex delivered our little baby girl and put her right onto my chest.
Anna Dell Geyer was lovingly welcomed into this world!
She was 7lbs, 2oz and 20.5 inches long. A perfectly healthy, beautiful little girl.

Who knew that our hearts would grow so much that day...three sizes in fact! We're so grateful for and so in love with our precious little Annie.

(And a special THANK YOU to my mom for the beautiful pictures!)

(This is my I've been up for over 24 hours and just had a baby face)

And a little welcome home sign made by the kids (with a little help)